My thoughts...

For the last month or so, I have been in training at work. I have been buddied with another nurse and slowely learning all the skills needed to work on the unit. I am going to be honest, it hasn't been always easy. In fact, it has been challenging many times. The knowledge and skills required is advanced, and requires attention to careful details and critical thinking of every situation. But, the work that all the nurses, doctors, physio, respiratory therapists, social workers and others on the team do with patients and their families is truly amazing. They bring people through some of the most difficult times in their lives. I have seen nurses talk and listen with patients about their wishes regarding their life and their death, and I have seen nurses boldly advocate for patient's wishes, patient's safety, and comfort. I can't help but think how honoring and humbling this profession is when it comes to helping others in their health. On the other hand though, I also think, can I really become one of those on the team that does this work well? I know it takes time and everything, but really can I become this kind of nurse? I didn't fully realize the impact of this (until reflection) when I read from Tilda Shalof's book (A Nurse's Story), that she too had to be made into a nurse. What's interesting is it takes experiences, skills, patients and their families, and colleagues, to start to build you up as nurse. I also found the following very interesting...

...nurses focus on their honesty and trustworthiness, their holism and humanism, their compassion, and their caring. The problem is that when they focus on caring, they often sentimentalize and trivialize the complex skills they must acquire through education and experience. They often fail to explain that caring is a learned skill and not simply a result of hormones or individual inclination. After all, knowing when to talk to a patient about a difficult issue, when to provide sensitive information, when to move in close to hold a hand or move away at a respectful distance all are complex decisions a nurse makes. To make these decisions, nurses use equally complex skills and knowledge they have mastered. But all too often nurses make these skills and knowledge invisible or describe nursing practice in terms that are far too limited. (from What do nurses really do?)

So, I know this all sounds very random (and yes it is a bit), but I got to admit, I have come to a point right now that of this first few months of training at work got me thinking,'is this what I want to be doing?' 'Am I absolutely passionate about all of this?' And to be truthful, its a mixed answer of yes and no.

You see, I love to what nurses do in critical care- there's more autonomy, there's more time to focus on one patient, and their families, and there's new medical treatments all the time that nurses play a part in. But a part of me longs to do something different at the same time. As I was at the gym today, laying on the those blue mats and staring at ceiling, doing some chest presses, I wondered what it would be like doing something health related across the seas in a different culture, in a different world. You see, almost now a year and a half ago, I was given the opportunity to go to Kenya, and God has changed my life through that experience in many ways, but one of them definitely is to serve him cross culturally (like missions) if that is His will. And now, I long to do something like that again. I wish it could be the best of both worlds. I know I have to be patient. I am incredibly grateful for this work and most definitely it is a great start for my career (even though it is challenging, gut-ranching stressful at times), and its where I am at the moment. But today, I longed, thought, and dreamed, 'what if...' and I know the possibilities are endless. I am going to conclude though, I am going to just have to give this all to God, who ultimately controls the universe, my life and most definitely my career.