I have been feeling very overwhelmed. Anxious. And possibly a bit depressed. I don't use those descriptions lightly as I know the gravity of those illnesses. But I can't help thinking that my mental health has significantly suffered over the last while because of the stress of school.
On terrible days, I wake up in the morning flooded with negative thoughts that say, 'I'm never going to finish', 'I'm not capable of doing this', and 'why continue'. And then the spiral of emotions. I can't tell you the number of times lately that I have cried in my car, sometimes while walking around in the neighborhood or even at school in one of the quiet hallways.
I know this is not who I usually am.
But even more so, I know all of this is revealing something deeper. It's shown my ugly sins. My craving to please others. My pride to keep up the appearances and not ask for help. My jealousy with what others have going for them. My worldly desires of wanting luxury (such as travels), romantic love and happiness. My tendency to think only about myself and my desires.
As I reflect through the cloudy days and thoughts, I know this is so much more than an intellectual feat or a test of self will but truly a spiritual battle of the mind, heart and soul.
Faithful Lord, you know what I am struggling with. Forgive me of my selfish sins. Bring me through this trial with your strength. You have already won death and one day you will defeat all evil. You are holy and almighty. God, I ask for wisdom, and peace to complete this thesis, for your good and true purposes. Lord, change me from this experience I pray.
In Jesus' name. Amen.
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